Sometimes I disappoint myself
Last night I had to stop to get gas. As I was pulling into the bay, I saw what appeared to be an old homeless guy moving between the pumps asking for money.
I hesitated to get out of my car. I had a ten in my pocket which I didn't want to give up because it was my lunch money. But that wasn't the big deal. I really just don't like talking to strange people in strange situations. It makes me uneasy. I feel like I don't know what might happen next - it's the same feeling I get around dangerous bugs or animals. I just don't know what they're going to do.
I figured if he came up to me, I'd tell him I only had the card, which was of course a lie.
I was relieved when it seemed like he was moving in the direction away from my pump.
But then while I was standing there, pumping my gas, I thought that I should give him my ten. Or maybe I'd keep my ten and offer to buy something inside the minimart. But I still was nervous about talking to him.
But I was ashamed of myself. I feel bad about not wanting to talk to him, or to give him money. I always feel awful after the fact when I had a chance to give alms and didn't, especially if I lie about it - the lie compounds the "sin" grievously.
As the tank filled, I started looking around to see if I could find him - maybe he was coming over, or maybe I could find him. But he was gone.
Sometimes I disappoint myself.
posted by Wray Davis @ 7:17 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
i feel like such a jerk when i look away from the people holding signs on the side of the road. i drove by a girl one time who was crying while she stood there, holding her sign. i felt sick as i looked back at her from my rearview mirror. sometimes i disappoint myself too.
yeah, i know what you mean. i very rarely do what i later think i should have done in those situations.
I don't really know what to say. I feel badly at those times as well, but I just don't think I'm going to change my cash exchange policy, nor my stranger conversation policy. Maybe it's where I live. Here in Baltimore, the chances are not too slim that someone asking for money is either attempting to distract you or get you to get your wallet out in order to mug you or snatch your things. I feel especially angry when people approach me at night, asking for money. I believe it is incredibly inconsiderate of safety issues and personal boundaries. I am much more likely to give to someone who is stationary (not approaching me) and who I can approach after I have secured the "alms" in a seperate handy place, away from the rest of my monetary resources. I don't really know why I don't generally give at street corners when I'm in my car. I guess it's a little bit of residual frusteration at the night seekers, but I guess I also just do not want to invite an interaction with someone strange, if it is not necessary. Again, maybe it's Baltimore. I'd like to think in sunny Santa Barbara I would not still harbor these grudges and very real concerns.
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